; This one's for you, Mother.

Mum, 5 October 1961 - 11-2-2011

29 January 2011
Around 9 pm, i was working.. I received a call from dad, saying that mum has been admitted to the hospital.  Dad said not to come, come tomorrow cause mum needs rest. i was worried, my heart feels so small at that point of time. Dad said mum will undergo surgery the very next morning. The sentence i heard felt so heart-wrenching. i went back home with a heavy heart.

30 January 2011
I did not went to the hospital that morning, Dad said to wait after the operation has ended.
so i waited. Around 11 or 12, dad called to come. i felt him, he was very stressed out. 
Around 1, i reached. Mum has been admitted to the Intensive Care Unit, (ICU) I saw my dad, he was talking to others, relatives. then i went to him, and hugged him. we both cried. Settling down, he explained. He said that mum's been infected with this disease, a flesh-eating disease at her back of her body. And i was shocked. because i didn't know, because all this while, she have been telling us about her legs, she said that it was very painful, and she cant walk.. i thought her reason for admitting to the hospital was that. but no. we visited her in her ward, looking through the door glass, i saw her sleeping, or probably unconscious. i entered the cold room, walked to her and reached for hand. she was breathing so hard.. i stayed in her room till night, (except for toilet, smoke, food breaks) thinking what my father said earlier. 'this illness may lead to death' i felt so scared.. Because the infection has spread throughout her organs.

31 January - 3 February 2011
What i expected seemed to vanish inside me. Her condition was improving, and the doctor and nurses were astonished at her progress. she undergo operation for 4-5 times since the 30th. i felt proud for her, she was brave and strong. On the 3rd of Feb, she woke.
but she cant speak just yet, because of a tube inserted in her mouth. i talked to her, she nod. i said to her to be strong, we are all with you. So keep fighting hard. She did.

4 February 2011
Dad called and informed me that mum finally can talk. i was so happy. 

6 February 2011
Doctor gave the green light to nurses that mum can finally eat solid food, since having liquid food inserted through her nostril. this also made my day. I continued visiting her now and then until..

10 February 2011
Around 6am, I received a message from dad stating Mum's blood level was very low, so was her heartbeat. i was stunned. But dad said not to worry as the doctor were attending her.
they also didn't know why her heartbeat and blood level went low. around 9 mum were sent to somewhere to have her upper body scanned. the result were nil, they said that there were nothing in her body, nor the infection.

11 February 2011
As i was drawing architecture in school, my teacher suddenly called for me and said that i have to go to the hospital asap. My heart felt painful like a knife pierced through it. without further hesitation i left. upon reaching the hospital 45 mins later, i found my mum breathing so hard, unconscious. it was a pitiful sight. i can't see her in that situation. the sight made my tears run out. The doctor said that there is no hope left, he said that my mum was a cheerful and strong woman, who have lasted this long, he finally revealed to us that the bacteria has spread throughout her blood. Prayers is all thats left to do. My dad and i went to the mosque for friday prayers, leaving mum with relatives and friends. He said to others that whatever happens, do not contact him. Or we would be in a panic and be distracted. We returned an hour later to see her in the same pitiful condition. We went to the waiting room, cause the doctor and nurses wants to do a final life-saving cpr.. Finally a nurse went out and called for us, she couldn't say anything. the curtains were closed upon reaching. but i can see a few pairs of legs dashing here and there. 

she was gone.

i couldnt stand it. i was lost with grief and despair..
i wanted to scream, wanted to do anything to escape this world and follow her. 
i didnt understand death. 

every bit of my body were strained. my hands were numb from carrying her, but i do not care.. my shirt were dirty from the earth burying her.. but i do not care, for all i care i have lost an important person in my life. the person who watched me grow, who pamper me, who supported me in modelling.. who always have a listening ear, who understands me..
and i realised, she never return, cause i know, she will be waiting for me.

she was honest, kind to others, understanding, open-minded, cheerful, a very kind and polite.
Different qualities a man who would not die for to have.

As a muslim, Friday is a holy day for that religion, and i felt sad, and a bit calm to see her passing on that day. it was a blessing to her. God love her more than we all do, that's why He take her away, to be with him, because why.. She was a very religious person and top of that, a kind and humble one indeed. 

I never experienced going down in a grave before, but on that day perhaps, thing's have change. 
Her last wish,
"Yat, be a good boy.. Be honest, If you want anything, ask ayah(Father).. "

I have grown, i have experienced a lot of things..
but the one that pains the most is this.

Mum, i love you with all my heart.
I will never forget you.
wait for me. :')